Thoughts...

So I am here in bed. I just got done with a milk shake and Juno. I downloaded Cat Power's You Are Free.
I mailed the majority of my earthly belongings home yesterday. My mom and grandmother get into Newark tomorrow morning. Thus, the world turns and I head home. I have to admit what was originally supposed to be a great and momentous event has become nothing less than emotionally muddled and confusing. I am not sure what to think. The city of New York with its anonymous strangers, foul smells, and expensive drinks is not my friend. But there has always been another gentle dimension to my NYC experience. It would come in moments: my friend the upstairs cat, the kids on the subway, the sun breaking in the window over the church behind me, crawfish with strangers. But mostly it is the people, my friends: S1, S2, Sh, W, R, C, K, Bartenders, Prof 1 and Prof 2, etc. These are the people that made the experience what it was. I mean there were great things about this town. Museums, ethnic cuisine, randomness, chaos, and a depraved beauty that can only come from the writhing pain, torment, excess, joy that comes from so many people living together, living in the capital of the world. There are plenty of things for me in Little Rock. There are some of the most special people in my life. There is family. There are azaleas, dogwoods, redbuds, and the wild flowers whose names I don't know. There is yellow dust and green grass. There are dogs and front porches. Shade trees and grandmothers. But I am going to leave something behind when I go home to all of that: A little bit of myself. I know am forced to admit that it will be a larger piece than I had previously realized it to be. Nothing tangible. I do not have the power to leave my mark on this town. That is the business of titans and artists. I go home slightly defeated but better for it. Who knows. This is the end of this. But for how long?